Snark attack!

So here's the thing. I know most people who ask about my husband have only the best intentions. Their wish is to offer support and love and encouragement to me and to my husband. I absolutely appreciate their kindness and love any chance I'm given to talk about our life. Yet, he's deployed and not in a safe situation (no matter how many times he tells me he is, I don't believe it). I know that sometimes this can leave people at a loss for words. They want to offer support, but aren't sure exactly what to say so what they do say? Is awkward. I know they're trying to relate. That they're trying to make me feel not so alone in my situation. And instead? They've said something completely ridiculous. But because I don't want to call anyone out on their craziness, I keep silent and just smile and nod. Until now...because I'm a snarky kinda gal. (Shocker, right?) So below are ten things people have said to me and in parentheses (I <3 parentheses, remember?), is how I would respond IF I wasn't a nice person. (But I am.)  

1. At least he's not on the frontlines! (Right. Because the first rule of combat is to NOT shut down communications.)

2. Oh, I know how you feel. My husband was on a business trip in Chicago/St Louis/Des Moines for a whole week! (Ah, yes. The mean streets of "whatever random American, non-war zone city you just named. How brave of you both.)

3. I could NEVER be without my husband for a whole year! I just love him too much! (Well, clearly, you love your husband more than I love mine. I only married him because he looked good in the uniform.)

4. There was a helicopter crash/IED/earthquake/bombing/local uprising in Afghanistan. Have you heard from your husband today? (Why, no. I sure haven't. But thank you for giving me something to freak out about. I was feeling entirely too calm.)

5. But he's an officer, right? So he'll be a lot safer. (You bet. The terrorists only target the enlisted.)

6. Think of all the money he's making while he's over there! And tax free! (Awesome! I would much rather have money than my husband home.)

7. Well, he was in the military when you met him so you knew what you were getting yourself into. (So true. I really should just suck it up.)

8. I was in a long distance relationship once. (Once? I'm guessing it didn't work out.) It was so hard. (No shit.*)

9. I was in the military so I know exactly what you're talking about and exactly what your husband is going through. (Oh, really? 'cause I'm pretty sure you were only in for the required four years and never once deployed.)

10. My son/daughter/cousin/uncle's stepson from his second marriage was deployed and lost a leg/broke his arm/got the stomach flu/cheated on their spouse. (Okaaaay. How about you have a happier story the next time we talk?)

...and I said only ten, but how about one more?

11. Thank you. (Nope. No snarky remark for that one. Just a "you're welcome" and "thank YOU for your support".)

*Sorry for the language, mom.